Another day, another grind in Teyvat. HoYoverse just dropped Version 4.5's Alchemical Ascension event, and players are scrambling to get their hands on the shiny new Dialogues of the Desert Sages polearm. It's like Black Friday for weapon collectors, but instead of camping outside malls, we're brewing potions in Mondstadt like alchemical maniacs. Let's break down why this stick has everyone acting like Treasure Hoarders on Red Bull.

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Grind 101: How to Snag This Bad Boy

To unlock this HP-stacked toothpick:

  1. Participate in Alchemical Ascension (duh)

  2. Rack up 50,000 Mora in revenue (≈ Cycle 6 of potion-selling shenanigans)

  3. Try not to cry when realizing you'll need 2 MILLION Mora for max refinements

Pro tip: Optimize your shop layout faster than an IKEA employee on espresso. Rotate potion types based on customer demands like a true capitalist pig—ahem, I mean, savvy entrepreneur.

Stat Check: Why This Stick Slaps

Attribute Details
Base ATK 454 (Lv.90)
Sub-Stat 41.3% HP (Because who needs crits when you can be thicc?)
Passive Principle of Equilibrium: Heal ➔ +8 Energy every 10s (works off-field!)

Translation: It's an energy battery wrapped in a HP burrito. Perfect for characters who think "DPS" stands for "Don't Please, just Support."

Refinement: The 7 Circles of Hell

Here's the revenue roadmap for maxing this weapon (spoiler: stock up on coffee):

Revenue Threshold Rewards Hidden Meaning
100k 1 Exalted Earth + Furniture Blueprint "Welcome to mid-game hell"
200k Another Exalted Earth + Cabinet Blueprint "We hope you like inventory management"
500k Third Exalted Earth + Shelf Blueprint "Touch grass? Never heard of her"
1M Final Exalted Earth + Contraption Blueprint "Congrats, now do it all again"
2M Crown of Insight + Cider Lakelight "You've officially lost your 20s to Genshin"

Who Wields It Best? Let's Rate Emoji-Style

  1. Chevreuse 🔥💉:

  2. Literally made for her HP-scaling heals/buffs

  3. "More HP = bigger explosions" - Sun Tzu, probably

  4. Yaoyao 🐇🥬:

  5. Her bunny gets juicier heals

  6. Secretly the real Dendro Archon (don't @ me)

  7. C6 Zhongli 🛡️👴💎:

  8. Turns shield daddy into heal grandpa

  9. "I used to rock Vortex Vanquisher, but then I took 41.3% HP to the knee"

Honorable mention: Thoma if you wanna cosplay as immortal househusband.

The Million-Mora Question

While we're all busy turning Mondstadt into Potion Walmart, let's ponder this: Is HoYoverse trolling us by making every new 4-star weapon hyper-specific? First the DEF claymores, now HP polearms—what's next? An EM greatsword for that one Dendro Lawachurl we'll fight in 2027?

Drop your hot takes: Could this weapon make Dori meta if she starts chugging her own potions? 🧪💸